Diary of an ALT: School's Out

Well I've reached the end of my teaching adventure. Sad face. There are no more official days of school left (although there are some standby days left meaning I could still get a call but as the schools are so busy it's unlikely to happen). On the one hand it's lovely to have some time off before I have to go job hunting again but it was also a little emotional on my last day in my favourite schools, especially because I'm a gigantic sap who gets teary eyed over the smallest things. I wasn't allowed to tell my teachers or students that I wouldn't be coming back next year. I assume this rule is in place so that you don't upset the kids on your last day with them but it seems a little odd to me seeing as then you don't get to say a proper goodbye to them and the fifth graders will return in a months time to see you've mysteriously disappeared and been replaced (and they better not love the other teacher more than me!) I got some lovely goodbye cards and letters from some of my students, presents, photographs and one of my teachers even bought me my own hanko stamp with my name on it which was a totally awesome present.

My hanko. It says my name in Japanese characters. I am gonna stamp the crap outta things

Presents from a student

That lovely circular headed character is me drawn by one of my students

One teacher translated the kids' messages online so they could write them out in English for me

On my last day in my favourite school a small sixth grade girl approached me and handed me a letter which she had written in Japanese, translated using the internet and painstakingly written the English translation under the Japanese. This girl was one of the shyest, quietest girls in the class and when she handed me this letter saying she always looked forward to and enjoyed my classes and wanted to study English extra hard so she could speak it some day my heart almost broke. I must have been doing something right.

Diary of an ALT: School Lunch

Ah... school lunch. Known in Japanese as 給食 (kyuushoku) a.k.a a delicious, free, Japanese style lunch. (The kids and staff pay a pittance for it. I, on the other hand, eat free). In Ireland we didn't have school lunch. Our parents would pack us a sandwich, drink and a pack of crisps if we were lucky and kick us out the door. I vaguely recall a time when we were given either a carton of milk or orange juice with our lunch but I wasn't at school long before that was done away with. As I am not in school over lunch most days I don't eat with the kids very often but there is one school that I am given lunch at every time I'm there and another who like me so much they often invite me to stay until lunch and join them (smug face). A typical school lunch consists of a bowl of rice, a stew, soup or meat and vegetable combination, a small salad and a carton of milk.

Mmm... yum. Picture stolen from this blog dedicated solely to yummy Japanese school lunches

Every school lunch I've had, bar one, has been seriously, seriously tasty. The one in question had two whole fish on a plate coated in a green tea crust with the eggs still inside. When I look at my food I don't like it to look back at me.

At lunch time several kids in the class don white coats, hats and masks and dish out the meal to their classmates. If I'm eating with a class who like me they will janken (rock, scissors, paper) to try and win me for their table. I have no idea how they decide where I sit when they don't really care that I'm there. Perhaps the losers of janken have to take me? Before everyone tucks in one student will lead the class clapping their hands together prayer style and saying "Itadakimasu" which basically means "I humbly receive." Then it's chow time.

Eating with the kids can be a wildly different experience from class to class. Often they're quiet and shy and get really nervous if I ask them questions in English. They'll answer and then return to eating. This unfortunately is the norm and it can be difficult to get their attention. When this happens I just tuck into my lunch and ignore them right back. As Homer Simpson might say "Can't talk... eating". Then of course are the classes, seldom though they are, brimming with confidence and energy who spend the entire lunch chatting away to me either in whatever English they know, in Japanese once they twig that I speak a little or who spend the lunch trying to convince me to say naughty words in Japanese or teach them naughty words in English. More often than not the words they want to know are 'poo' and 'pee'. They will use gestures to elicit these words from me and I'll often just give them so they'll all stop pretending to go to the bathroom on the floor while I'm trying to eat. If I can't think of anything to say I'll sometimes give the kids at my table 3 hint quizes with vocabulary they know or else I'll just act like an idiot and make funny noises because, let's face it, they're kids and they're easily entertained. Once lunch is finished we clap our hands together again and with a chorus of "Gochisousama deshita!" (Thank you for the meal) the kids push their desks to the back of the room and play time begins. For me it's time to head back to the staff room and digest my deliciousness and relax.

Diary of an ALT: Private Students

When I arrived here acquiring private students did not exactly feature in my plans for the year. I didn't actually go looking for them, they found me. In the case of my two junior high students I work with their mother and was telling her how I had only taught adults and teenagers in Ireland. "Oh really?" was the reply, "Because I've been looking for a private tutor for my two teenage daughters..." Cue hint filled silence. I agreed to teach them the ways of the force English several times a month.

My third private student is one of my elementary school students. Her mother inquired as to what day I would be teaching at that particular school for the first time and waited by the entrance for me to walk by on the way to the staff room during classes. As I was heading back I heard a "Hello! Over here. I've been waiting for you..." Not quite the words I was expecting to hear from a total stranger lurking outside my place of work. As it turned out she wanted me to tutor her daughter and handed me a list of details about the classes. Thus my trio of private students was completed and my epic tale begun.*

Private students can be so rewarding in a way that other classes aren't. For a start I see them more often than the 45 minutes a month I have with my regular classes. You get to know them, know their strengths and weakness and feel a warm sense of pride when you know you are personally responsible for their improvement. Creating a class for just one or two kids brings with it its own set of difficulties but I've found that you should never underestimate the value of stickers and sweets. They can make the most mediocre games seem magical.

Aside from that smug sense of satisfaction gained when parents of private students tell you all about how much better their child is doing thanks to you is the fact that not only do you get to know the student you get to know the family. I've been given Christmas presents and cards, New Year's presents, toys and invited to lunches on several occasions; something which makes me happier than I can describe (the feeling of inclusion that is not the goodies, I'm not that materialistic). I've gotten to know their parents and siblings and it's a wonderful gooey feeling knowing that not only do they like you as a tutor but *gasp* also as a human.

My smug face. See how photogenic I am?

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that I love having private students. They are such fantastic, intelligent, young ladies who all excel at and enjoy English. Getting to know them and their families has been really great and I'm glad they have become part of my adventure in Japan.

*Disclaimer: This tale is not actually epic at all unless of course you are one of those people who is really, really easily impressed.

Diary of an ALT: Class Clones

Class clones; a phenomenon I'm sure teachers everywhere have been aware of forever but that I have only twigged recently. When I think of the classes in my schools back home I can remember there being the same certain types of people in every class; the studious girls (I went to an all girl's school), the class clown (me, ha ha ha!), the shy kids etc. but I'm sure from the teacher's perspective there were many more having seen many classes of kids come and go down the years. Since I have like 49 classes, each of about 30 students, of 5th and 6th grade which equals over a thousand students I have begun to notice these niches that are filled in almost every class I have. And some are ones I never would have suspected if I didn't have to teach such a large variety of classes. Here are a few I've noticed:

The Smart Kids

Some are naturally intelligent, some work really hard, some are as intelligent as their parents money can extend (i.e. private tutelage), and some live up to every American high-school movie cliche and wear glasses and are anal.

The Class Clowns

They try to constantly have all eyes on them, cracking jokes in the middle of class, throwing things around the place, speaking loudly, acting the maggot. Knowing I was like this, especially in primary school, I have actually begun to feel sympathy for some of my old teachers. Your peers may think you're funny now kid but when you're older you may also realise that you were an asshole. To be fair though most of them crack me up and we have great fun together since I'm pretty much at their mental age and all I want to do is act the maggot too.

The Shy Kids

They have quiet voices, are afraid to participate, speak up or stand out and I have some who will literally hide in a corner when it comes time for activities. Don't be shy little bunny I only want to ask you what colour you like.

The Adorable Kids

They come in both male and female. Often they're a little small for their age and have big, cute eyes, sweet voices and a manner that makes you want to kidnap them and flee the country with them. Since this is clearly not an option I make do with giving them extra attention and stickers.

The Brats

They don't want to learn. They hate English. They hate you. They mock every word you say and roll their eyes when you speak. Little do they know or realise that given the chance you would gladly shame them in front of all their peers if you could get away with it and secretly wish something mortifying would happen to them in class like them accidently peeing their pants.

The Kids Who Love You but Hate Your Class

This is a wierd one. I have some kids who look like they would rather be sitting on the roof in the pissing rain than playing games in English who, once class is over, will crowd around me smiling, laughing and asking me questions. Why can't you focus your curiousty on English grammar huh?!

The Ambiguously Gendered Kids

They're either slight boys with feminine faces and long hair whose voices haven't broken yet or masculine looking girls with short hair, baggy sports clothes and a strangely male attitude. On one occasion where the activity was split into boys and girls I almost made a terribly embarrassing mistake, almost...

The Future Criminals

There are just a few kids in all my more than thousand who fall into this category. For some reason they always sit at the back of class, playing with sharp objects or pencils or looking at me with their brows knitted into a look of intense anger or with empty, threatening eyes. The look one kid throws me gives me the creeps. I genuinely can't make eye contact with him.

Diary of an ALT: School Festival

Elementary schools hold わくわく (waku waku - exciting) festivals for the kids around this time of year. I was invited to attend the one that took place in my Japanese friend's son's school. It was a little odd me wandering around a school that wasn't mine at a kid's festival with another adult sans son (he left to go to his inventor's club, how awesome is that?) but nobody seemed to mind my presence. I got many excited "Hello!"s and picked up a band of followers who kept appearing and greeting me and my friend's Canadian husband enthusiastically as we were the only two foreigners in the school. 

 

 

There were juice stalls, candy floss stalls and book mark stalls where bookmarks the kids made were sold back to them (what a fantastic money making scheme). Second-hand books were donated by the parents and sold from a classroom by little student shop keepers. I bought several kids Japanese books to practice my reading (and not at all because I'm a total child and I liked the pictures). As entertainment there was a choir show, an excercise class, a book reading, an origami stall and a stall where you were given a little piece of cardboard to decorate and then use in an old Japanese game which apparently involved throwing your card violently at a bunch of other cards on a platform. I think the aim is to flip up the cards on the platform and get yours under it but the kids were throwing their cards like they had a personal vendetta against them so I decorated but did not play. There was also a lovely old lady who had sewn up many little hacky sack type balls filled with azuki beans and was teaching kids how to juggle one handed and after we tried and failed for a little while to juggle the balls she gave my friend and I two each as presents and said to go home and practice.

 

By far the strangest event was the 泥だんご (dorodango) making station. A dorodango is essentially a mud ball made by taking clay and shaping it into as perfect a sphere as you can manage. The aim is to make the prettiest mud ball and then take it to the judging station where you can get a stamp for each level you pass 6 being the lowest and 1 being Feck ya! Perfectly spherical shiny ball of mud biatches! The kids took it very seriously and some had been at it half an hour when we approached. They rub the dorodango against coloured pieces of cardboard to give them a colour and then present it to the judges who also seemed to be taking their role seriously tapping them on the table, checking for cracks, and even advising some kids to go back and work on them some more before they could be awarded the much coveted number 1 stamp. I brought a little bag of mud home with me to attempt my own dorodango. I'll post the results if I ever get around to it.

 

My festival treasure

 

Diary of an ALT: Half way there

I just realised I'm half way through my contract with Interac here in Hiroshima. Half frickin' way! Five and a half months down, five and a half to go. Looking back on the last five and a half months I think (at least I hope) that I spent them well. I travelled, I explored, I adventured, I saw the sights, visited the museums, revelled in the culture and ate my weight in Japanese food (not including Japanese pastries which would probably double that estimate). I also spent a fair amount of time in my tiny apartment watching 30 Rock and reading the Dresden Files. There are only so many sights to see and sometimes I'm tired after work. So sue me.

 

Here's the part where I reminisce, escape now if you're already bored: I had dreamed about coming here for a good five years before I actually got my act together and saved the money, blagged the job and booked the flights. My love of Japan began with anime and manga like a lot of other Japanophiles (is that a word...? It is now I guess). Before I jumped on that plane I worked in a ticket booth for a night club. Knowing I was coming here kept me sane on those nights when I was freezing my toes off being argued with or hit on by drunken, silly people. The (cheesy) motto I had that I would chant inside my head was: Every step is a step closer to Japan. Lame right? Now I'm here. Has it lived upto my expectations? In a lot of ways it absolutely has, in others... nope. I won't get into all the details on that point or this could be a very long, ranty and boring post. And I wouldn't want to bore anyone who has actually taken the time to read this far.

 

In fact as a reward for getting this far here is a picture of some pretty oragami flowers

 

Here's the part where I try to sum up five and a half months in a few paragraphs: this journey (Don't stop belieeeeevin'!! Geddit?!) has had it's ups and downs. Mostly ups thankfully. The downs that stick out in my mind as of this moment in time are living all on my lonesome in a tiny apartment (which I moaned about here), culture shock (see here for my rant on that), the language barrier and the difficulties this causes, the times when an English class has gone horribly, hideously wrong or I have been treated like a human tape recorder, the cost of living, the four times I've found gigantic, terrifying cockroaches in my bathroom and the nightmare involved in catching and disposing of them, believing I had locked myself out of my apartment and having to precure a new key not realising my key was in my bag all along and Black Friday; a sake induced night of debauchery and disaster of which I and the other ALTs do not like to speak. All in all though the ups have far out weighed the downs.

 

You're still here? Reward number two: the greatest photo of a cloud I've ever taken.
A man in a hat, blowing smoke and flexing his muscled hand. Ta da!

 

The ups floating around my noggin at present are these: getting to travel this beautiful country and experience a culture vastly different from my own, learning a new language (poorly), the English classes that have gone fantastically well and the amazing students who make me actually want to go to work in the morning, making some awesome, new friends from all over the world, nights out with said awesome, new friends visiting some wierd and wonderful Japanese bars, discovering Japanese pastries (although with the amount of weight I've put on from them maybe this should be a down...), gaining the courage to sing at karaoke in front of people, beginning to write for two websites one of which got me press passes to the Hiroshima Animation Festival (woop woop! brag brag!), beginning this blog which I've really enjoyed writing, slightly improving my apartment by buying a bean bag and a kindle, and Curry Sunday; a fabulous girly day out with my friend involving some of the best curry I've ever tasted, plenty of free red wine kindly provided by a slightly unhinged, older Japanese gentlemen and a daring escape from the chauvinistic yet polite clutches of some Afghany men who wanted to make us their mistresses.

 

So that is my summary of my time here so far. I'll keep it short and simple as if I tried to go into real detail the total overload of information and whining could break the internet and Bill Gates would come back to haunt me for my sins.
(Edit: I don't know why I wrote Bill Gates there he's not dead. I think I meant Steve Jobs. Who wasn't all that involved with the internet was he? Maybe he'd possess me iPod or something).

 

 

Your final reward for reading this far is... rat babies!! Ba ha ha ha.
Bet you thought it would be something nice. The moral of the story
here is: I am wierd and inconsistent. Thanks for reading my blog by the way

 

Diary of an ALT: Teaching

Well if  you've followed my instructions you should have semi-successfully made it to school and introduced yourself to everyone. Now it's time to get down to the nitty gritty, the reason you're actually there, the whole point of your flying thousands of miles (aside from the life changing adventure that is): teaching English. Depending on your contract you could have one or two hundred to nearly a thousand students in total. Don't let this scare you, just don't bother trying to memorise any names. 

 

There will be classes you will hate with the inevitable cheeky little brats who have no interest in English and feel a profound need to mock you at every turn to their friends. The best (read petty and childish) way to deal with them is to approach them in tasks and ask them questions. They will always be embarrassed when they don't know the answer. Vindictive, mean Ciara: 1 Pre-pubescent snot: 0.

 

Of course there are the students who literally vibrate and jump with excitement when they see you stroll in to class. These kids will make the job worthwhile. Without them it would be a thankless slog. I have a class that constantly ask their teacher when I'm coming back and run to the English room when I'm there laughing and screaming. What did I do to deserve their like except turn up on time and teach the same lesson every other one of my schools gets? I'm almost as excited as they are when it's time to teach in that school. They play with me at recess and share their lunch with me at break time. I guess I'm still a big kid at heart. And a freakin' popular one at that.

 

In order to be a good teacher (or to fake being one) you must:

• Smile constantly. This is difficult on days when you'd much rather be in bed with a cake and a good book but when you accidently lock eyes with a quiet or shy kid and smile at them and they beam back you just know you've made them like English that little bit more.
• Get to know your classes. You can't be the hilarious, mad-cap, looney toon in every class. Some kids just aren't in to it. Contrary to what they beat into you at training you don't need to be a ball of English based energy in every class. Some classes are more laid back and it's ok for you to be too.
• Not be afraid to bring your own ideas to school. Some teachers will look at you aghast in horror if you suggest deviating from the lesson plan in the book while some will look like you've just made their day and step back and let you do everything.
• Be patient. Or on the flipside learn to hide your impatience behind your constant, psychotic smile.
 
 



Also it helps if you like kids and/or teaching. (Source)

 

Diary of an ALT: A School with a View

I'm back to school tomorrow after 6 magical, glorious school-and-child-free weeks of lie-ins, travelling, adventures and cake. I cannot tell you how depressing the thought of going back is. But perhaps... Darth Vader can.

Well I think that summed up my feelings quite nicely.

Here is another video of the view of Hiroshima City and the Seto Inland Sea from one of my schools which stands at the top of the hill behind my house. A school I will be returning to on Friday... Take it away Darth Vader! "Noooooooooooo!!!"

Diary of an ALT: Living alone in Japan

People in Japan live alone. Families share houses and couples shack up but aside from that most everyone else lives in their own little apartments. It's just how it's done. Back home I would always have gone for a house share. It's cheaper than living alone and it's nice to live with friends and have a bit of company at the end of the day when you get home from work so this living alone malarcky is an entirely new experience for me. There are times when I thoroughly enjoy it and times when I feel like I might go mad and start chatting with the toaster. (On a related note I've noticed I talk to myself far more here which may be a result of spending so much time in my own company. I'm doing it in public far too often though. I'm going to get caught out badly one of these days.) So I've compiled a sort of "positives and negatives of living alone" list. Et voila:

The good:

1) Privacy is nice. Especially if you've spent an entire day surrounded by screaming kids coming home to a quiet space that's all yours is soothing.

2) You can walk around naked without fear of bumping into house mates. And since the weather here is climbing closer to the 30s every day I spend much of my time in the apartment in various states of undress.

3) Everything in the apartment is yours. No one can steal your milk or your bread. You don't have to tolerate someone else's poor taste in decorations or furnishings. You don't have to scream into a pillow when you trip over shoes that someone left in the hallway or clothes that haven't been folded.

4) You can eat like a total pig and there's no one there to judge you. Although after having eaten dinner, a chocolate croissant, 4 mini lemon pancakes, 1 strawberry pastry log and drinking a bottle of red wine all by myself I think it might be better if someone had been here to make me feel guilty about my gluttony.

5) You can act also act like a total pig. For example you can fart real loud without offending anyone. I give this one as an example because I'm a girl and girls don't fart. I'm just saying you could if you wanted to...

The bad:

1) Loneliness :-( It can be a little lonely when you come home to a small, empty apartment every day.  It's nice to sit down with housemates and chat or watch a movie. Sitting in your apartment watching several hours of The Walking Dead alone is a little heartbreaking.

2) Buying food for one can lead to waste when you don't get round to using all of something. And I hate waste!!! Cooking for one also requires freezing portions and eating the same thing many times in a row. Pasta for the third meal running. Woohoo...

3) The responsibilities of the household rest entirely with you. No sharing chores or spliting bills. There's no one to text if you forgot to buy milk and you only have yourself to blame if you forget to pay the electricity bill or you're sitting on the loo and you realise there isn't a scrap of toilet roll in the whole house.

So although it may seem like there are more pros than cons to living alone I, personally, much prefer to live with people I know and love like my friends or family. It's a new experience and I'm sure I'll grow as a person blah blah blah etc. but I'd much rather come home and sit down on the couch, watch some shite tv together and bitch about my day than sit around the apartment alone eating pasta in my delicates watching zombie shows. Privacy by damned. I'd happily choose grumbling over someone else's smelly socks on the floor than losing my mind to loneliess and making friends with my kitchen appliances.

Fin.

Diary of an ALT: Introductions

So you've successfully made it to school. You traipse in the door dropping your umbrella in the stand (it's rainy season; a combination of sweltering heat and buckets of rain) and switch your outdoor shoes for your indoor shoes, shoving your inappropriately un-water proof, sopping wet outdoor shoes in your shoes cupboard. You plod merrily down the hall toward the staff room and take your seat at an empty table assigned to you and wait patiently for the assistant English teacher to show their face. While walking toward your desk it is best to say "Ohayo Gozaimasu!" (good morning) to everyone that makes eye contact with you and smile like a loon.

Meeting your AIE (assistant instructor of English) for the first time I would advise writing their name down somewhere because, if you're like me, you are likely to forget it almost instantly and spend many uncomfortable minutes trying to work out a ploy to get them to repeat it and appear as if you haven't forgotten it. Your AIE will likely introduce you to the principal, vice-principal and the teachers whose classes you will be taking that day. Some principals/vice-principals will be only delighted to meet you. I've had chats over cups of oddly salty tea about Japan with some, been given kit kats or business cards by others and met with polite disinterest by a few. I also had a principal too shy to meet me one day so he wrote his name on a sticky note and had the AIE give it to me. A particularly mortifying experience was when one principal asked that I come to school an hour early and had me stand at the top of the staffroom and introduce myself in my pigeon Japanese to 40+ members of staff. I think a set a new record that day on how red my face can go when I'm embarrassed.

Once staff room introductions are complete it's time to introduce yourself to the kids. After a 10 minute introduction where they guess your country and you show pictures of the various sights, animals and sports it's question time! Oh question time... a chance for the kids to be as nosy as possible and ask questions about your country, your likes and your personal and love life. Most questions will be pretty standard e.g. What is your favourite colour/food/animal/sport? What is Ireland like? When is your birthday How many members in your family? (The fact that I have 4 siblings and 3 parents is generally met with gasps of shock). After the kids build up a bit of confidence they usually cajole one of the messers in the class to ask more personal questions like whether you are engaged, married or have a boyfriend/girlfriend. If you reply that you have a significant other the most common response is a round of applause and cheering as if it is a massive achievement worthy of their praise. They ask your age and weight and whether you intend to marry and have children. There have also been odd questions too like: Why are your eyes blue? Are they blue because they froze from the cold in Ireland? Do you like pyramids? How much is a pencil in Ireland? (you wouldn't believe how impressed they were when I told them) and oddest of all: What's your blood type? (It's supposed to be a personality indicator here, like your star sign). Once the introductions are all done it's time to get stuck into the nitty gritty task of trying to impart some knowledge to the nosy youngsters. A story for another time.

On a final note the first time I meet my students is when they usually decide to tell me I have a small face. Apparently it's a compliment and practically mandatory for pop stars here. One of the odder compliments I've received in my lifetime. But hey, at least it means I can try out for AKB48.

A drastically improved potential line-up of AKB48. I should send this to their manager immediately. My face is smaller than any of theirs so I think that makes me the best by default

Diary of an ALT: How NOT to live in Japan

Three days ago marked my first calendar month in Japan and although I haven't been here very long, and still don't know much about living here, I have picked up a few bits of info on how NOT to live here. Through trial and error, day-to-day interactions, but mostly through stupidity.

1) Do NOT leave your apartment without locking the door before you go to school (several times!) Japanese people are incredibly honest and law-abiding but that doesn't mean there isn't one out there somewhere who won't rob you blind for your stupidity. There's always one...

2) Do NOT lose the key-card to your apartment on your second day in your apartment. (This one's a no-brainer.) And especially do not rediscover your "lost" key in the front pocket of your bag 2 days later after having suffered a slightly distressing mini-adventure to get an expensive replacement.

3) Do NOT be a drunken salaryman magnet. (This one is hard not to do as it's not exactly something you can control). I, it would seem, am one of said magnets. One night while waiting for a train with my new friend Dave I had a tipsy man stand directly behind me, smiling drunkenly at the back of my neck. When his friend came over to stand beside him neck-starer gained enough confidence to present me with the gift of a bottle of Yoo, a yoghurt drink, he had just purchased from a vending machine. (It's sitting in my fridge, unopened. Haven't the heart to throw it away). His friend then drunkenly demanded "Where you from?!" before insisting that Dave was my boyfriend. He is not. Not half an hour later we were waiting for a street car, chatting away, when another sozzled salaryman began to shout "Lovely voice!" in my direction. He then approached us and insisted that Dave was my boyfriend and that he propose to me immediately. Which, for a laugh, he did. In front of a crowd of people waiting for a street car. Mortified. (Which means embarrassed for those of you not familiar with Irish lingo).

4) Do NOT fall asleep on public transportation. The Japanese are experts at it and I have seen manys the person sleeping while standing and still holding onto their briefcase/school bag/iPhone and maintaining a semi-upright position. It is pretty funny when their head starts to nod and they begin sliding towards the floor. They always wake before they fall over though, it's like some sort of instinctual thing. They have it down to a tee. I, on the other hand, end up in my go-to position for napping on public transport which is head back, mouth slightly open and falling more open with every passing minute, and eyes twitching. I twitch and make little noises when I'm falling asleep. Further mortification.

5) Do NOT go to an all-you-can-drink bar and actually drink "all-you-can". These places exist throughout much of Japan and prices and time limits vary depending on location. For example there is one here in Hiroshima where you pay 3000yen for 5 hours if you're a man and 2700yen if you're a woman (take that men ha ha ha!). Once inside you can eat as many nibbly bits from the nibbly bits corner as you like and drink as many beers as you can stomach and patiently queue for. However, if you are like me you have a greedy western brain and you will want to capitalize on this offer and get more than your moneys worth. And if, like me, you have a woman's tiny liver and weak constitution it will do you no favours. Put down that plate of tiny cakes Ciara and step away from the bar! (I'd like to tack onto this point, since it is sort of related, that you should steer cleer of Chu Hi. Cans of 8% delicious lemon-y poison for less than 200yen. No good will come of it.)

6) And finally do NOT become addicted to mini kit-kats. They're everywhere here and schools usually have a few floating around the staff room that they are kind enough to present to a naive, new ALT. It may seem like a kind little gift, especially when the vice-principal writes a thoughtful message and draws a heart in marker on the back of the wrapper, but next thing you know you're buying 2 or 3 multi-packs a week and getting withdrawal symptoms if you don't have one every few hours. It's a slippery slope from there and it only leads to more sugary, adorable things. An ALT's salary can't keep you in Studio Ghibli themed buns and cakes forever you know.

One of the cutest buns ever baked. You almost don't want to
eat his smiling face. Almost...

Diary of an ALT: Getting to school

How to get to school if you’re an ALT

Step 1) Pace your room frantically between the hours of 6 and 9.30p.m. waiting for the e-mail with the details of your school for the next day. In between  pacing, and possibly snacking, pause to check Facebook for a minute. Realise 2 hours have gone by and re-check your e-mails. Has the e-mail arrived? Congratulations! Move onto Step 2. Still no e-mail? Prepare more snacks. Prepare to harrass the lovely receptionists at the company.

Step 2) Read the e-mail and a) sigh with relief/jump for joy when you see you have only a few classes,  a detailed lesson plan and directions to the school have been provided for you or b) scrunch your face in depression and bewilderment when you see you have to repeat the same class 5 times in one day and the instructions you have been given simply state “please communicate the word to the children and play the game with them”. Also the whereabouts of the school is a mystery. If you have chosen b) please see Step2.1. If you have chosen a) please move onto Step 3.

Step 2.1) Scan the school information again for any clue as to the meaning of the “word” and the “game”.  If you find the number of the lesson hidden within the paper somewhere you may move onto Step 3. If you see nothing and you’ve been staring at it so long it begins to look like one of those 3D pictures chances are it’s not there. (Also you have gone mad, seek professional help). Fetch some more snacks, and juice; juice is good, and prepare to harrass the lovely receptionists at the company. (Or if you’re feeling particularly daring: decide you will work it out tomorrow, eat your snacks, watch a movie and go to sleep).

Step 3) Prepare a totes awesome class to wow the socks off those Japanese kids. Smile smugly as you eat your snacks. (These ones are strawberry mousse filled panda heads). Go to sleep.

Step 4) Awake at the craic of dawn bloodshot and bleary eyed. Squint at your cereal stupidly, and attempt to multi task by eating and drying your hair at the same time. Fail when you blow your cereal onto the floor. Grab your belongings, and map to the school, and run out the door. Squeeze onto a streetcar/bus/subway wedging yourself between chattering students and serious looking salarymen. After a while you will either a) get out at your correct stop and walk towards your school or b) hop off at an incorrect stop because you were only half listening and you were busy thinking about cake. If you choose b) please see Step 4.1.

Step 4.1) So you got off at the wrong stop? If so then your name is probably Ciara Long and this is a regular occurence in your daily life. For god sake keep your mind off snacks and nonsense and pay attention! Find a street car heading in the right direction and try again.

Step 5) Follow the caution children signs and thank your lucky stars that all Japanese Elementary schools are huge carbon copies of each other and instantly recognisable as the giant cinder blocks with windows that they are.  Plaster on your super happy face and approach the front door. Well done! You have made it to school.